“A traveller without observation is like a bird without wings”
Having entered back into Western culture straight away I have noticed things that seemingly were natural to me were indeed not, so like a ex-con I have to be rehabilitated in order to return to ‘normal life’.
There are no stray dogs roaming the streets! These beloved creatures are treated like royalty in our own countries residing in our houses, being fed regularly and even earning the mantle as ‘mans best friend’, however in the Latin quarter it’s more like ‘mans worse problem’, the dogs roam the streets picking up scraps causing a nuisance to traffic and fighting, sometimes you see a cute dog and like a born instinct we go to pet them but these dogs also have an instinct; they hate humans. I can’t blame them they are beaten with sticks and kicked and all they want like Pinocchio is to be ‘real pets’. Sometimes these dogs have high protective instincts towards the backpacker like when Eirian made me walk her to the ATM a stray dog followed us there and back then like a true vigilante he disappeared. I need to learn how to love dogs again and not immediately think disease, fleas and rabies when I see that foamy mouth and those puppy dog blood-shot crazy eyes.
Using the toilet may seem simple for you with your above average drainage systems but for me if it was not squatting and flushing using a jug of water gained from the larger container then at the very least the paper had to go in the poop bin. I find myself now looking around for that shit stained bin, even when crapping in the dark (no light bulb/power/window) you could still find it because of the rank odour it produces as no one ever cleans it. You only try and be western once by putting the paper in ‘its proper place’ but once you block it and its contents spills onto your bathroom floor the bucket goes from toilet immigrant to toilet native! For my sins I did play toilet Russian roulette many times but as I said you will eventually lose….mine happened to be on a boat. No escape.
If you've travelled in Central America, you've probably seen a chicken bus. If you've backpacked in Central America, you've probably used one! The term "Chicken bus" refers to Central America's countless fleets of public buses, typically retired American school buses painted in flamboyant colours and designs. Chicken bus fares are cheap, though for a reason. The nickname allegedly derives from the passengers themselves, who are packed together like chickens (sometimes as many as four to a seat). However, the occasional feathered traveller may also be seen! These Elton-John inspired buses are unique to Central America with SA being less ostentatious with more military inspired colours such as Battleship grey, Platoon green and black hawk down. The Chicken bus is truly a great, fun and fulfilling way to travel, yes they are beat up but one thing you notice is no scummy kids leaving their graffiti tags, impromptu fights (see ‘Peckham terminator’ on YouTube) and people trying to evade the fare. One thing they could use though is a night chicken bus!
If only Boris Johnson (London Mayor) had the foresight less bendy buses and more bender buses.
Responsibility is something that is being taken away more and more from the people of Europe due to a fear of blame culture and law suits that our American cousins have introduced. Not here, as John Lennon once said - ‘power to the people’ .Valium, Ritalin, Xanax, Viagra and other medications your Doctor won't prescribe you (due to your addictive personality), can be purchased at the local Farmacia, no questions asked. Imagine trying to buy enough Valium to put a heard of elephants to sleep in England, your doctor before he burst out laughing would prescribe a herbal alternative, no one wants the shit herbal crap that clearly doesn’t work and is made from elderflower. We know it does not work we know this BECAUSE IT CAN BE BOUGHT OVER THE COUNTER! Latin pharmacies make you feel like an adult, yes I have enough Valium to put Andre the Giant in a coma but I am empowered by this responsibility so will not eat them like M&Ms. It may also be the fact that you have bus journeys expressed in days not hours!
Don't be surprised if the medications referred to above expired two years earlier.
When I get a take-away in England I am going to expect it to be in a transparent plastic bag, you know you are living the high life when it comes in an aluminium tray or even a box, WOW no wonder they all want to move here. They might think twice when they realise they have to get their food and other items in a store and not have someone conveniently sell them on a bus or at the side of the road. I am used to getting street food in a bag and using said bag as my makeshift plate, glove and napkin all in one. I have got so good at this that National Geographic should give me my own survival show – ‘Extreme Take Away’ and unlike that Bear Gryils fellow mine will not be fake in a hotel sipping on pina coladas while the producers do all the work, mine will be curry in a bag with hands! Speaking of Pina Coladas you can also get take away drink in a bag, tied at the end with your straw hanging out is the only way to drink on the streets!
If you see a fellow traveller sporting a Canadian flag iron-on on the back of their pack, odds are they are American and if they are not then according to one American they are in the continent of North America thus making them American so I guess that makes Mexicans American’s. I am sure she was an advisor to President Bush with logic like that! If you however are from Canada, you are considered friendly. You are also considered to be the naive, dim-witted, politically-challenged sibling of the United States.
The kid in the park that needed money for school books and/or school is not really in school but being used in a network of vendors selling items that are never wanted by any tourist. Sell less 2010 calendars in December 2010, giant musical instruments that not even with an extra arm you could carry and sunglasses so gay not even Elton John would consider wearing. Instead sell stuff that we want; cigarettes, water, beer and ice-cream, instantly this vendor would become rich overnight. Seeing kids in America I instantly expect them now to try and sell me something.
As mentioned above the kids are put into work at an early age so people tend to have as many kids as possible not because of their religion but because the more you have the more goods you can sell (Latin business 101). I can see it being like ‘The Apprentice’ behind closed doors.
My time here has been amazing I have made some great friends some of who I hope to see again, 6 months is by far not enough as I have not had the time or the money to see the south of Argentina and Chile let alone the six other countries I did not get to visit. Congratulations to my friend Tim who has done it properly even with having his identity stolen, at least you know who to look for Tim.
“The use of travelling is to regulate imagination by reality, and instead of thinking how things may be, to see them as they are.” –
I am off to America where I will embark on a road trip around California before working out what to do next.
“Nothing beats a planned unplanned trip” –Chris Brodie
The next blog will be about my time in Mexico.
Here are some tips to travel in South and Central America:
Bring anti-nausea medication with you at all times. Accept the fact you will get violently ill anyway.
Bring loo roll with you at all times. Accept the fact you will get ‘Delhi Belly’ and most toilets will have none.
Don't assume that your new Latin girlfriend/boyfriend is serious when they say they’ve never felt this way about a financially independent foreign traveller before.
False advertising is not a crime, but rather a clever marketing tactic.
If you want a peaceful relaxing stay do not check into a Loki hostel (especially Cusco)
If your hostel/guest-house claims to have agua calliente (hot water) expect lukewarm water at best but most probably freezing cold, the shower may also electrocute you from dodgy wiring.
If you don't enjoy being molested from behind by random local men in heat, do not sign up for dance lessons, women you are paying to be sexually assaulted.
Women do not wear clothes you would wear on a hot day back home here, some men are not aware of self-control and some locals have never seen attire like that but then again blood pressure tablets are available over the counter.
hissing, clicking (like in Predator) and whistling is kin to a wolf whistle or ‘get your tits out’ shout from a construction site back home, be flattered.
Latin American TV is always shit so never pay more for a room with a TV
Expect no matter where you are you can always find an Irish bar and/or reggae bar.
If when buying your shuttle from A-B they claim ‘directo’ no stops, changes and comfortable expect it to stop on every street corner, a bus change at the border and an attempt at a world record for how many people can fit in to said bus.
Don’t under estimate mixing alcohol with altitude it makes it 3 times stronger than you think.
Even if you are an experienced bar man expect to never pour a perfect pint at altitude unless you have a love for Dutch beers.
All tuk-tuk and taxi drivers are also in-fact drug dealers
When in doubt, try adding 'ada' or 'o' to the end of an English word to translate it to Spanish.
Don't assume that adding 'ada' or 'o' to the end of an English word will make it Spanish.
American tourists, (even the geriatrics who only see the Country through the window of an air-conditioned luxury coach bus), will always have more exciting travel stories than you.
If your white Mexicans will call you American no matter where you are from.
Don't polish off three street tacos and a bottle of cheap wine the night before a rocky 6-hour bus trip driven by a visually-impaired 80 year-old man.
Buses overtake on blind bends and crests, try to imagine it being on a roller-coaster at Alton Towers.
Until next time!
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