A Simple Life

The origin of the name "Guatemala" is unclear, but several theories exist. "Guatemala" may mean "the land of the high trees" in the Maya language. Another theory is that it comes from the expression "Cuauhtitlan", meaning "between the trees". Lastly, there is a theory from Ron Burgundy of the Channel 5 news team that it comes from a Latin word, meaning "Whales vagina"

Can you put a price on stress? Well when travelling you certainly can, to get from A to B you have two main choices; to get the local bus (stressful) or to get an organised shuttle (relatively pain free). The shuttle is normally between 5-15 times greater in price than the local bus and is easy plus guaranteed to get there, normally direct (I use direct in its most loose form). If you take the local bus you will share your space with locals and livestock, this bus will stop whenever it needs to and you may have to disembark the bus at speed like Taryn* found out. Strangely these buses are probably more punctual than the English counterparts as the bus driver does not hang around even if you haven’t got your whole luggage and/or family off the bus. The only way to describe getting off one of these buses is in ‘The Crystal Maze’ when you only have 5 seconds to get out the room before they lock you in and your tight arse team do not want to use a crystal to buy you out….people probably wonder why I shout “To the Aztec zone” as I get off. So going from Panajchel to Chi-Chi (Chichicastenango) would have cost 50Q via the shuttle but instead we took the chicken bus where we had to change twice but this cost us 10Q so you see the price of stress in this journey was 40Q ($5)

*Taryn is the Canadian that I am travelling with at the moment and no I have not made a typo with her name but her parents may have made a K look like a T on her birth certificate. Taryn makes my Spanish seem amazing, even after teaching her some phrases she would still ask in English with me following it up with the appropriate words in Spanish. Taryn is now in SA where even less people speak English.

Chichicastenango is a town known for its traditional K'iche' Maya culture and for its famous market days on Thursdays and Sundays where many vendors sell handicrafts and the like. The manufacture of masks, used by dancers in traditional dances, such as the Dance of the Conquest, has also made this city well-known for woodcarving.



The sales pitch here was intense much like that of a window salesman telling old people they will die from the cold if they do not get double glazing. They would follow you round and would never take ‘no’ for an answer, some kid selling bags followed Taryn around for over an hour all throughout the deal was being thrashed out Taryn acting like she was a CEO for a big corporation never backing down until she got the price she wanted. I was sure that kid got the beating of his life when he got back home, I could see an anticipatory tear forming in his little eyes when I re-adjusted by belt! Sometimes you have to take a step back and realise that you are haggling over what amounts to 10 cents but after so long it becomes more of a principle trying to get a win under your belt from the many times you have been ripped off.



Next to the market is the 400-year old church of Santo Tomás. It is built atop a Pre-Columbian temple platform, and the steps originally leading to a temple of the pre-Hispanic Maya civilization remain venerated. Maya priests still use the church for their rituals, burning incense and candles. In special cases, they burn a chicken for the gods. Each of the 18 stairs that lead up to the church stands for one month of the Maya calendar year.




Leaving Chi-Chi both with bags bulging with souvenirs we had to get the bus to Coban with the road there being one of the best scenic drives in Guatemala, unfortunately half of the road is a hellish dirt track being stuck in a shuttle built for 14 people of short stature, 6ft 3” westerners were not in mind when they built these things. The scenery was amazing winding our way up and down the mountains viewing the populated valleys below, and this is one of the reasons I like Guatemala so much it provides dramatic contrasts between hot and humid tropical lowlands and colder and drier highland peaks.

Coban was a stepping stone; it’s a city with no real interest where we had to stay one night before embarking on another bus to get to our destination Semuc.

Semuc Champey is a natural monument near the town of Lanquín. It consists of a natural 300m limestone bridge, under which passes the Cahabòn River. Atop the bridge is a series of stepped, turquoise pools. The pools and scenery here were amazing; we hired a guide to take us around where he would show us the places to jump in. One jump was quite awkward having to jump half a meter out to avoid rocks which would be no problem but it was not flat so you could only get one push, I hesitated until there were some heckles coming from the group and alas I made it. The same people claiming it was easy all hesitated much longer than me when their turn came!





On route to Flores which is in northern Guatemala we stopped for lunch on route and this is where we saw the King-Kong of the spider world. Earlier that morning we had an incident with what seemed at the time a large spider in Taryn’s toiletries bag, for people who know me will understand my reaction, I did my best roadrunner impression and bolted out of the room. This spider in comparison was tiny so when I saw the ‘Horse Spider’ I was horrified, it looked as though it had been fed steak and steroids its whole life and at first glance I thought it had a tattoo, even now I can barley look at the photos. At first I got Taryn to take the pictures of it but as you learned in my last blog she is not one for taking photos, so I had to man up!



Flores is again a stepping stone for better things, it is an island but is far more interesting than Coban albeit another colonial cobbled street town. One of the highlights here was the Burger King across the bridge and the fact Taryn dressed in her Sunday best to go there and to the market. Some of the older locals in the market probably had a few years shaved off their lives when seeing Taryn in her chosen attire. The next morning we had to get the bus at 0400 to get to Tikal. Why so early? Well getting there for sunrise gives you the best chance to see some of the wildlife that inhabits the area. We got to see spider monkeys and hear howlers.

Tikal is one of the largest archaeological sites and urban centres of the pre-Columbian Maya civilization. The sites here date back as far as the 4th century BC however it reached its pinnacle during 200-900 AD where during this time it dominated much of the Maya region politically, economically and militarily. Some of the chiefs among this ancient civilization have had names that are not unlike the names celebrities give their offspring like First Scaffold Shark, Feather Skull, Great Jaguar Paw and Manikin Cleft Sky.





We headed to Rio Dulce (Sweet River) where there was not much going on and from there we went back to Guatemala City and Antigue where I was treated to a spectacular steak dinner. I have since spent the last few weeks chilling by the river back in San Pedro awaiting the right moment to tackle Mexico.


See you all in Mexico.

Guate Is Going On?

The first step in Guatemala was heading to Guatemala city which is known for its high crime and danger or soothe media says, so once we got there we headed to Antigua aided by a local who was heading there so instead of the $10 cost we got there for around $1.50. This is rare as I said before people never want to tell you the cheapest way to get from A-B as they normally know someone who will make money from it. When at the bus station people were holding signs for Antigua for $10 which for an hours journey is as cheap as they come, but as soon as you get to a country you attune to that countries economy, so a hotel costs $4 so how can a bus cost me more, this instinct gets more acute with practise but around bus stations and drop off points NO ONE is going to tell you the cheapest way…for example here asking a cab driver to take us to where the local buses to Antigua are they say $5 each which (telling them) is ridiculous then they say that the local bus is also $5 which coincidently is the same amount their friends are charging for a shuttle. The metro which is five minutes away from the bus depot was one quetzal (5 cents) then the chicken bus to our destination was nine Qs. If I had enough Spanish to tell them what they were I would have…unfortunately I do not.

Antigua is a colonial town at the base of you guessed it a volcano but not just one but three volcanoes, like every colonial town every streetscape offers many photo opportunities and with its thriving language school scene it was no wonder this place was packed to the rim with travellers and tourists. Antigua was quite expensive but I met some great people and practically spent 3 days hung-over, very hung-over. I did not see much of the town but only that on the way in and to be fair it looked like every other Colonial town I had ever been too, cobbled streets, colourful buildings and markets. I did re-visit Antigua to which I experienced a different feel but more on that later.

A group of five of us headed towards Lago de Atitlan Guatemala’s most dramatic region, the highlands, they stretch from Antigua to the Mexican border, here the verdant hills sport emerald green grass, cornfields and towering stands of pine. Maya dialect is the first language with Spanish a distant second.

We headed towards the poster child for Guatemala’s natural beauty – Lake Atitlan. This lake is dotted with villages each offering its own story and certain charm with more volcanoes as a backdrop. We started in San Pedro La Laguna which is by far the cheapest and the most entertaining of them all where hammock lazing could be a national sport. Our arrival at night gave us no insight and we were taken to hostel that was cruddy and mouldy so the next night we looked for new accommodation. I am not taking pictures of the places I’m staying but if I say it’s a dive then believe me then it is ten times worse than you can imagine. I have noticed around the world the locals prey on tourists/backpackers arriving knowing the time and how to get them, more often than not buses/flights or any sort of travel is more than three hours so again more often than not you fall asleep and wake at your arrival. This is bad news as you are not thinking straight and are susceptible to anything so rule of thumb; plan, stay confident and stay alert.

One of the funny sights on the way there was this Dutch guy who had a discman© which played CD’s, very retro! When the driver asked if anyone had CDs we roared with laughter and Koon passed his collection to the front, regrettably we had an idiot American in the van who shouted to turn the music off as it was too loud, alas no more music. I was tempted to tell him ‘if its too loud then you are too old’ but he seemed the type not to take a joke.

There is not masses amounts to do in San Pedro so many people tend to learn Spanish with it being over half the price that I paid in Bolivia it’s a Mecca for people wanting to learn Spanish. If I thought this place was a non mover the other places around the lake were much worse. The good thing about San Pedro is that it was very cheap meaning I could probably live on $10 maybe less a day here. I intend to come back here and waste some time here and maybe pick up some more Spanish. There are many excursions but you can do these without the aid of a guide as most of them are just walking. From San Pedro you can take a boat to anywhere around the lake so inevitable we did this and below is what I found.
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San Marcos is probably one of the prettiest of the lake villages but this was dreadlock/weed central and had even less to do/see than San Pedro….well unless you smoke copious amounts of weed, love crystals and have a penchant for anything spiritual which I am none of the above. One thing I did like was the difference in goods that they sold, they had many a tasty snack whether it was frozen mango or banana dipped in chocolate to pure chocolate mixed with all manner of ingredients (chilli, cinnamon, orange etc etc), I recommend choc with chilli!!!

Jailibato was next and this had even less (a pattern is forming here). We visited the most luxurious hotel around the lake and that was it. To enter you have to purchase items totalling a certain amount or make a donation to their chairity. We also met a Canadian family who it seemed had never let the kids go to school. Social Services are on the way!

Santa Cruz was last on our trip and again this had EVEN LESS so less in fact that we had to stay in the hostel as there was no where to eat. I did actually contemplate about working in the hostel for a few weeks but after twenty seconds I realised that I would have become an alcoholic or addicted to hardcore drugs to pass away the days.

Guatemala does not have great cuisine in itself I mean apart from its traditional breakfast of beans (not Heinz) with omelette but it does borrow heavily from its neighbour Mexico meaning street tacos are my food of choice. I wish I could eat them every night…..wait a second I DO! Its not just the food that they borrow, the attire especially for the men screams Mexican to me, they wear cowboy-ish hats and it seems the genes from Mexico are here too, no one over 5ft 3”, dark skinned, big heads to fit the sombreros. Need I go on?

Next time find out about the Geoff Capes of the spider world who was fed steak and steroids, breaking the rules, market blunders and…..oh the Mayans.

Until next time.

Chris Vs the Volcano

So from Panama I had to cross the border into Costa Rica so to make things slightly easier I went with a bus company that goes through all the main cities in Central America instead of crossing the border and then getting another bus the Tica bus goes straight through. This border was extremely frustrating, we were the third or fourth bus to arrive and thus had to wait, we got there at 0630 and we did not finish until 1030. we had to have our bags checked when we left Panama for what I am not sure and when we entered Costa Rica the same check was performed. I don’t mind this if its going to be a rigorous and thorough check with humans or letting a dog smell the bag but all they did was open the top and look so if you are looking to smuggle drugs or any type of contraband into another CA country then just hide it at the bottom or 10cm from the top and you will be safe.

Four hours to go 100 meters!

Once in Costa Rica I stayed one night in San Jose the capital where I realised that this place is basically America with a Spanish accent, the city centre is thick with its malls, office towers and fried chicken chains making it undistinguishable from any modern city in the world. After six days without a shower the hot water in the hostel was like heaven on my skin. I stayed one night near the terminal before I had to catch the bus in the morning where I headed to Nicaragua.

In Nicaragua I went straight to San Juan Del Sur from Rivas where the bus dropped me off. San Juan is a surfing town with a slight hippy vibe which reminded me of Byron Bay in NSW Australia with its easy going attitude, hand crafts and amazing surf. I stayed in a popular hostel but was told that come the weekend there would be a surf competition and full moon party so with that I decided to get out before it became a massive party town and even more gringofied!






I got the local bus and a taxi to San Jorge, I shared the taxi with some other traveller’s one being this Italian women who probably was the most annoying person I have met in a long time asking questions about everything and then overpaying the taxi by $9. From San Jorge I ventured to the dock where I would take the ferry.

The ferry took around an hour to Isla De Ometepe and due to the wind was rather rough. Ometepe is the sort of place that belongs in fairytales; an island formed by twin volcanoes rising from the lake. The two large volcanoes are Conception which is a perfect cone shape and Maderas. I decided not to climb the volcano as this has already been ticked off my list and as you will read most of Central America is volcanoes, instead I took the time to do a small trek (one hour) to see some howler monkeys and the rest of the three days I just relaxed by the lake a feature that will feature regularly in the rest of my trip. Unfortunately the Italian women latched onto me like a leech on an infected wound and I found myself talking less and less not wanting to take a barrage of fifty questions from just ordering dinner. I stayed one more extra day so that I would not have to travel with her anymore.





I got the ferry back and then a local ‘chicken’ bus to Manague which is the capital where I booked a bus to Guatemala but as the borders are closed at night I would have to stay one night in El Salvador (San Salvador) after travelling and stopping in Honduras.



The night in El Salvador was one of the worst I have seen the room myself and a friend shared was sub standard but for $6 that’s what you pay for. In the night our room was visited by chickens and turkeys and also a mysterious unidentified creature that only made a noise as it climbed the wooden walls, needless to say sleep was hard to come by in this place. We stayed near to the terminal as our bus to Guatemala was meant to leave at 0600. We got to the terminal at 0525 only to discover that our bus had left without us but was stopping off at one more stop before hauling ass to Guatemala City, cue panic stopping a taxi telling him to be rapido and luckily getting there on time to catch the bus and save me buying a new ticket.

When travelling with Tim through South America we both found an equilibrium with each others photo taking ability as we had to ask each other to take the picture we wanted and 9/10 it was what we wanted but when we left the task in someone else’s hands to get a romantic picture together we found that we got complete amateurs taking the pictures, we didn’t expect a masterpiece but seriously when taking a picture of two people at a famous land mark if there is a trash can in the way move the camera! Well I have one such person travelling with me now who has no eye and even when I take a picture of someone else in the spot and show her she can not recreate it as you can see below…..can you guess which one I took.





So far I have rushed through Central America taking a handful of pictures and earning my stamp in my passport, this is mainly because most of the countries are quite expensive but I intend to spend over a month checking out Guatemala.

I currently have three blogs written but as I can not find wifi I will distribute them when I can….like my philosophy with women I don’t want to stick my USB in any old computer as it may have viruses.

Till next time…Adios.

I Passed The Human Kind Test....Would You?

So my South American trip is over but with the ending of one adventure starts another so I find myself on a sail boat heading from Colombia to Panama via the San Blas islands.

Before I tell you what happened I would like to give you a rundown of what South America was for me:

This has been one of the best continents that I have travelled having seen the most rewarding sights and meeting some of the best people I have ever had the pleasure of travelling with. Travelling here is difficult and sometimes stressful but that is what makes this place wonderful to travel, the locals are always very interested and friendly its just a shame that I can not speak enough Spanish to have a more gratifying conversation with the locals. South America is the type of place where you can spend six months or two years. I am not sure how I will cope without Llamas in my life and I am hoping one day I can have one as a pet as they are the nicest animals and they even look cute when they get older. A llama is not just for Christmas…..! Kids will not get rid of these animals as they become more useful when older and still stay cute, they can mow the lawn, spit at hated neighbours, make great jumpers and dare I say it if you do get tired of them they make a great meal.

One of the main highlights is the complete diversity this continent has to offer; you have enormous mountain ranges sweeping through the country, active volcanoes to Amazonian jungle and desert and sometimes you have all this in just one country, so without any ado below is what you really want to know.

Best Women -

1. Chile
2. Argentina
3. Brazil
4. Colombia
5. Uruguay
6. Paraguay
7. Peru
8. Bolivia

Best Beers

1. Peru
2. Bolivia

Favourite country – Bolivia

Worst country - Chile

Best Food – Argentina

Worst food – Bolivia

Worst meal – Lasagne in Uyunni. It was salt with pasta

Best meal – Trout Coppacabana Bolivia, whoda known trout topped with bacon and cheese would be so good

Best Nightlife – La Paz (Bolivia)

Favourite city – Sucre Bolivia

Favourite activity – Horse ridding in Tupiza Bolivia

Least favourite city – Montevideo Uruguay

Favourite Inca Ruin – Matchu Pittchu

Cheapest hostel - £2 Copacabanna Boliva

Most expensive hostel - £15 Paraty Brazil

Total number of times robbed, harassed or threatened – 0 (1 attempt epic fail)

Least tourism – Paraguay

Friendliest Country – Paraguay

Best looking native girl – Catalina (Arica Chile)

Favourite person I met – Jane

See my best bits at the following link on youtube - copy and paste on your address bar!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhllitMQCBs


Getting back to my trip to Central America, yes it was a French boat and yes it had French people, there were seven paying customers on the boat two French, One American, me and two Finnish girls then there was the captain his friend, wife and eight month old son. The captain and posse were amazing but the paying French were beyond difficult. Can you imagine a person paying to sail to some of the most beautiful islands in the world crossing some of the roughest seas but not wanting to get wet? Well this was the French girls plan so I was rewarded with the pleasure of seeing her get wet and consequently angry. You may think of me as evil or nasty and I have considered this myself but if you ever travel with French people then you will understand. That said I will try not to mention the French in a bad light again……emphasis on the word ‘try’.

Yes the trip was rough going 30 hours of sailing through day and night before we reached our goal of the San Blas islands but once we were there it was jaw dropingly beautiful. Never before have I seen a desert island more Robinson Crusoe and bear in mind that I have been to Fiji. These Islands made Fiji look like Blackpool Pleasure Beach, some islands were no bigger than ten Asda car parking spaces loaded with palm trees. Snorkelling the treacherous swells around the islands was fun as many of the islands had old sunken ships that have turned into man made coral reefs.

I only had one day in Panama City before I would head off to Costa Rica where again I would only have one night, mainly because these places are not offering me value for money as they are both (especially CR) very Americanised and you can tell this with the prices of basics so I am heading straight for Nicaragua with a one night stopover in San Jose in Costa Rica.

Whilst in the Panama City bus station a man wished Gods praise on me and within sixty seconds he was coming over begging for money saying that he has no where to sleep, no money, same clothes and he hasn’t washed then like a lightening bolt it struck me that I actually look worse than him so I took this opportunity to tell him that:

1. Have a month old beard
2. I have not showered for over five days
3. I have not worn underwear since I can remember my last wash
4. I have not washed my clothes since I can remember
5. I have not slept in a bed for six nights (I included the one on the bus im taking)
6. I have not seen a Llama for months now and
7. My armpits could chloroform a grown man

I gave him $1.

As I am writing this another chap (American) sits next to me who has had all his major possessions stolen from him, I am not sure if this is a ploy to get money from me but he is putting on a good show with phone calls and other little tale tell signs. Actually I think this is real or a bloody elaborate con. I felt very bad for him either way so I gave him $50 and the ability to pay me back so let’s see if the human race is worth saving. So James from Chicago I give you one month from this point to make contact or pay me back as said. If it was a con then I hope he gets what is deserved – Cancer, AIDS, accidental sex change, some disease even Dr House does not know or Jane’s favourite a boil on the bum, actually scratch Jane’s idea. For kindness beyond the call of duty I expect a Euro Lotto win or maybe a massive win in Vegas but nothing less than five and the bonus ball please Mystic Meg.

I do feel pretty good about myself albeit peppered with a slight concern that I have been tricked which if it is the case its going to mean payback!

Still not left the bus station but on the bus waiting to depart I am not safe from people wanting my money, a man comes aboard and starts talking Spanish and then gets his belly out, from my seat at the back near the WC I can not make out what it is until he comes up closer and shows us why he wants money, I would of paid $1 not to be shown that sort of thing especially after my McDonalds meal with McFlurry. Imagine Total Recall and the stomache baby thing crossed between a tumour crossed between someone putting objects under the skin protruding. I did tell him that I had already given out $51 dollars worth of chairity in the last hour but he didn’t believe me and then procided to tell the bus that the gringo didn’t pay.

That was Panama folks

Sail Away

I arrived in Manizales on Australia Day (Invasion day) where the festivities were in full swing however for a long time now I have not been interested in drinking so I took no part in celebrating when James Cook discovered Sydney harbour. Manizales is situated on a hill and to ease the local’s journeys they have one of the most unique types of public transport I have ever seen, they have a cable car making the journey up and down the hill and at only 1400 peso’s its very cheap.
I am getting to the point in my travels where most of the activities/sights associated with a certain place I have done before so when people ask have you not done a coffee tour here? I reply I was on a coffee farm in Vietnam, why do it twice? Manizales has hot springs and is famous for its active volcano that is actually showing seismic activity thus not allowing people to hike it. Again both these activities I have done before in other places.
I left Manizales heading to Medellin which took 6 hours, I felt as fresh as a daisy but some of the other occupants were not so well having consumed too much alcohol celebrating the night before thus requiring frequent stops to allow them to be sick.
My family will be please to know that Medellín was once known as the most violent city in the world, and in 2010 it has the highest increase in violence of Colombia's urban centers. This unenviable title was the result of an urban war set off by the drug cartels at the end of the 1980s. As the home of the Medellín Cartel funded by Pablo Escobar, the city was victim of the terror caused by the war between the organization headed by Escobar, and competing organizations such "El Cartel del Valle". However, after the death of Escobar, the crime rates in the city began to decrease.
I decided to stay at a ‘party hostel’ but soon I was eager to leave after meeting some of the people staying there, many of them having not left the hostel with one guy in particular this guy called Cali from California being there for a month eating, sleeping and drinking there and has not even left the hostel. One nights drinking there was enough for me and as soon as the sun came up the next day I paid my bill and left for a smaller family run hostel. I went around the city where again I was greeted with the usual churches however I ventured into one of the art museums and found a wing with the works of Colombian artist Fernando Botero which were quite amusing. Botero’s art and sculpture features only fat people.
The bus to Santa Marta took 16 hours and when I arrived opening the door of the coach it was like opening an oven. My main reason for coming to Santa Marta was to go on the five day trek of Ciudad Perdida known in English as the Lost City. The trek was a lot harder than the Inca as the path was a lot rougher and there are so many steep uphill battles to negotiate whilst you are in one of the hottest jungles in the world. In my group I had two Americans and they have installed my faith back into the people of that country so only France now to reedmen themselves but imp not holding my breath.
Mike from LA was one of the coolest and humblest guys I have ever met if you want to see him check out on you tube the Kelly Clarkson video ‘Never Again’ where he plays the male lead.
I don’t think the trek is anywhere in the same league as the Inca trek but it was nice to do it and see the lost city. The end city is a lot rawer than M pitchu as the ruins have not been cleaned up but left as they were found so moss and grass are growing out of cracks in the buildings.
One of the most amusing parts of the trek was when Brian the second American decided to vine swing across one of the many river crossings to which he failed in an epic way luckily it was caught all on film edited and posted onto YouTube where you can view it in all its glory
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vc_cTYS-GS4
I met up with Brian and Mike in Cartagena for Super Bowl Sunday where the night was long and fun fuelled. Unfortunately I had to get up at 0800 the next day to go to Playa Blanca but luckily I was still dressed from the night before and packed so it was not too hard. Playa Blanca was nice but only for a night as they do not have electricity or running water so we felt that we didn’t want to stay that long.
I think many people expect too much from their travels. They believe, or at least hope; it will change them in profound ways or provide a magical escape that will solve all upon return. That's a lot of pressure to put on what is essentially just a prolonged holiday and I feel a lot of travellers are jaded in this respect. Character change takes a lot more than 5+ months in South America. Escapes are only temporary. I too had these lofty expectations but now I realise that these journeys are more about the adventure itself and less about you. We chase wealth, fame, and power, but I think all we really need is to chase adventure. Maybe we all just need to get out a little bit more.
Off on a sail boat now to Panama

See you all in Central America!

Colombian Gold Blend

My last few days in Brazil were spent in a colonial village 6 hours (236km) south of Rio called Paraty. Paraty has been inhabited since 1650 during the eighteenth-century Paraty was a staging post for the trade in Brazilian gold, today UNESCO considers the city one of the world’s most important examples of Portuguese colonial architecture. Paraty is known for its churches and of course its beaches, so I relaxed on the beach and hung out with a girl who was a spitting image of Jennifer Garner and a couple of Aussies from Melbourne who were super friendly and invited to me to anything they were doing just what travelling should be. Paraty is a great little town to relax in but other than that there is not much here to offer people looking to party or meet other people. I did have one big night out there where I hung out with some Chileans who actually praised me on my Spanish skills; yes they were a lot more drunk than me.

The travellers going to Paraty this was normally their second stop after they flew into Rio so I was bombarded with the usual questions where you from, where you been and how long are you travelling? Very repetitive!

I flew from the great metropolis Sao Paolo to Bogota. Just like Santiago this city is ringed in by mountains and suffers from every urban ill – poverty, gridlock traffic, crime and choking smog – this overcrowded city of 7.5 million suffers from it all in excess. I personally found it bland and boring and unfortunately I booked three nights thus I had to stay that long, this being 2.5 days too long. If you like churches and museums then this place would be your heaven but personally I have seen enough museums, churches, temples, sunsets and waterfalls to last me a life time.

There are only two road names in Bogota calle and carreras with a numbering system which would be great if they decided to actually put signs on the roads also the map given to me by the hostel was about as useful as Ann Frank’s karaoke machine so I found it very hard navigating. This difficulty I am sure put me in danger but seeing as I am pretty streetwise I was onto them and returned to the street with the police presence. I have found myself at altitude again and after sending my mittens and other winter items home I am cold, only French people at the hostel means I am lonely. Not a great time.

While I have that in your mind I am going to moan about the French, I mean what is the point in them actually travelling as they gravitate towards other French people for example chat to one on their own and they will respond but soon as they meet other French people they get a massive errection then never speak to you or just speak French even if you can not understand They are certainly upholding the reputation of being very rude. Another example is in my dorm in Bogota two French girls arrived and never said hello to me but continued to welcome non-British travellers, so I left something on the communal computer that my friend Fergal told me – ‘Going to war without France is like going deer hunting with out your accordion.’

I want to note that Mel who I spent time with in Brazil did not have any of the above characteristics.

I have found the Colombians in Bogota annoy me as when I try and communicate in Spanish I get laughed at which I can deal with even though I know I am saying the phrase right but what I cannot take is them laughing at me when I don’t understand their English which by the way was inaudible and considering I have travelled with Geordies makes it even worse. That day I spoke no more Spanish which was a breath of fresh air.

I am going to moan again, travelling on your own you rely on people to accept you into their groups and generally they do but then you meet a couple of stuck up wankers who just do not bother. I could tell instantly that the aforementioned were from Sydney guitar and surfboard in tow but it was painful to actually watch them when I spoke to them their faces retorted in the look of ‘do we have to actually speak to him’. On the other hand you meet people from Melbourne they are the complete opposite, I cant comment on travellers from Perth as they never seem to go abroad just WA and people from Darwin probably spend all their money on booze.

As soon as I could I left Bogota for Salento which took eleven hours on a bus with air conditioning but no windows which would have been ok if the AC was stronger than coma victim.

Salento is in the heart of coffee country, this quaint hamlet is one of the regions earliest settlements and its slow development has barley altered the oringianl lifestyle or buildings. Here I embarked on some more trekking and ventured into the high Colombian jungles where I maybe should not have been so eager to complete the 18k loop and instead do the smaller but pride got the better of me and I found myself coming down and my legs seizing up making it very difficult and the last five hundred meters were as if I were an old age pensioner. The trip commenced in Corora which contains a thick forest of wax palm, Colombia’s national plant that can grow up to sixty meters high. The altitude ranges from 2000m to 3170m and according to the guide books this cloud forest is home to the puma, spectacled bear, deer and toucans but do you ever see these animals? No. Trekking through I felt like Indiana Jones having to cross no less than 9 rickety wooden bridges that cross the Rio Quindio.

Alas I am on the bus again to another place, moving more than a gypsy.

No pics sorry.....

Rio de Dinhero

way to get to Florianopolis from Uruguay was sold out so it was stay in Montevideo for five more days, visit the over priced beach resorts or wing it. Obviously I decided to wing it and thus booked a ticket to Rio Branco in Uruguay (not the easiest boarder crossing). Just booking this ticket enlightened me to how much I relied on Jane, Tim or Feargal (when he is not drunk) for their superior Spanish skills, people engage in conversation with me and I just look at whichever one of the three was closest to me, normally Jane. It must be said though that Jane was better at looking like she could speak/understand Spanish than her actual Spanish, when in the middle of the conversation saying ‘si’ and nodding enthusiastically to everything however after the answer was given asking what they said I would get a laugh then an “I’m not sure”.

It was when I was on the bus to Rio Branco that I felt this urge that I should have made more of the goodbyes with the three mentioned above I think at the time I didn’t quite realise the full gravity of this goodbye as myself Tim and Feargal have said a few goodbyes before whilst one of us goes off earlier than the others so it seemed like I would see them again but in reality I wont. Jane is going south through Argentina then round the world to where I have been, Tim is doing much of the same route as me but may have delusions of grandeur regarding his ambitions with the money he has so he may be a month behind me and Feargal is becoming so poor I feel prostitution is the only hope for the boy but with his next stop being Sydney Kings Cross is surely in his sights. Already I am missing the camaraderie and banter that goes with travelling with the same people for so long. Jane’s influence on me was quite calming with her smile bringing me much relief from what ever I was stressing about, Feargal tried to install some culture into me and Tim made me laugh. Now as I sit in a bus station in a very small Brazilian town drinking a Skol beer I know these people would not be able to help me as they are about as good with Portuguese as I am with Spanish. People that say Spanish and Portuguese are similar are either on crack or as dumb as they come because it is extremely different. I was extremely tempted to change my plans something I told myself I would never do but if it was any other country I would have but I could not miss Rio and I would have had to say goodbye at some other time. I believe I would have regretted either choice stay with Jane and I would always wish I went to Rio, go to Rio I will always wish I went south. One thing that does feel extremely strange is having my laptop all to myself, over the last few months it became more a time share option rather than my own item.

After fretting that the bus I was on had already gone past Rio Branco I came to a decision that I no longer cared, I would adapt and go with it, of course I have the money too but it wouldn’t have been ideal especially as now for the first time in over three months I have a time line to work to.

Once I arrived in Rio Branco four hours over my estimated time I again faced the language barrier or communication wall and I mean this wall is twenty foot tall surrounded by barbed wire and topped with the glass shards stuck in the mortar, I cant get over this thing but with a cheeky smile and happy attitude I somehow get a taxi who then takes me across the boarder and takes me to this hidden away immigration building that no normal human being could ever been able to discover where again the taxi driver helped me to get my passport stamped with a Brazilian entry tag unfortunately I don’t have my Uruguayan exit stamp but according to my passport I am still in Paraguay anyway probably on their most wanted list along with Jane!

The smoothness didn’t continue with again their being no buses to Florianopolis but luckily they had a bus that night to Porte Allegra, I just had to sit for five hours in probably the most boring bus station ever created by man.

Once I got to Porte Allegra I was awoken by the bus driver, dribble hanging from my lip and with necklace of saliva all over my top, I then proceeded to another bus station where I picked up the next available bus to Florianopolis which again took longer than the guide books guide and guess where I ended up…..another bus station. So far throughout South America kids and babies have been amazing on buses hearing no peep from them but soon as I got to Brazil its kids crying on all the buses.

I was not overly impressed by Fpolis it was pretty in a Thailand come Laos kind of way with surfing but I had the travelling blues so I was not in the mood to do much apart from walk around and laze on the beach. I would much prefer to get to Rio where the party would begin. The route to Rio was quite spectacular the way was paved with muddy rivers and thick jungle and slowly I have started to like this country. It’s always a shame when you are travelling on a bus and the scenery is amazing because you can’t take photos.

Rio is one of the best cities in the world instantly recognisable with Christo Rendentor looking down upon the city and Pao de Aszucar (Sugar Loaf Mountain) looming in the background and once I arrived via the eighteen hour bus ride my spirits were lifted by these sights.

I was thrown in the deep end having organised a place to stay via couch surfing I was thrust upon Ipenema beach with all of Rosanna’s friends where I tried to compete with the famous Brazilian vanity, where board shorts are the rage in Australia less is more on the beach in Brazil so women sport bikinis seemingly made from dental floss and the men wear white Speedos so to accentuate their tan. From the beach we ventured to the party where again like in Argentina the cogs start to move late at night, the club was impressive although we had to queue for thirty minutes but in any other country this would be a hassle in Rio this was a party itself with vendors selling beer along the line and the music from the club being pumped out onto the line much like the Will Ferrell film ‘One night at the Roxbury’.

Fun factoid: Rio De Janerio means river of January, when first discovered they thought they were on a river not the Atlantic Ocean and it was in Jan.

After getting in around sunrise we still had plans as it is the start of Carnival season in Rio, the actual carnival is always one week before lent but the Brazilians cannot just have one day of partying so they have a month leading up to the big day where there are street parties ‘pre carnival’ so we took leave and again entered the party spirit where thousands of people lined the streets and sang and danced to samba music. We moved from street to street where we ended up in Lapa district where one hundred people were gathered around the flying orchestra, in the middle were the musicians with trombones, trumpets and drums and with the music we would run around them or lie on the floor or jump in the air depending on the beat. The running around was the best part as you could see people losing their sandals in the mêlée probably never to be found again. If you have never partied in Rio with locals then I’m sorry but you have never partied, this place is immense.

The Favelas are much a part of Rio as Christo and as I look at the settlements usually located on hilltops it has a strange beauty about it with the buildings built from red brick with only a handful rendered and with most having holes in walls as doors/windows and some not having the full four walls. One of my highlights is an artist in the favelas who twenty years ago decided to start tiling one of the staircases, now people send tiles from all over the world to support this piece of art which has also appeared in the film ‘The Hulk’ and the music video ‘Beautiful’ by Snoop Dogg.

I have found that I am addicted to Acai (a-si-e) which is a dark purple grape like fruit that grows in the Amazon where they freeze it and make it into an ice cold moose come slush puppy but better. I cannot get enough of the stuff and when the heat has been hitting 42+ it is a welcome treat. On every street corner there are local juice bars that sell these drinks along with many other strange drinks that are all really tasty, im finding that I am eating less but drinking more.

The warmth I was shown by all the locals that I met through my couch surfing experience is now the bench mark that every other country must aspire to.












The Brazilian adventure didn’t start off too smoothly as the most convenient