Best Laid Plans

Not sure how long this entry will be as I am tired from an 8 hour trek and also the keyboard is stiffer than a body at the morgue.

After leaving Vang Vien I went down to the capital of Laos Vientianne which was quite boring but they had the 25th Asian games (Sea games) taking place so it was a little more lively, everything there can be seen in a day so I hired a tuk tuk driver and went to Buddah park and went to the main Wat (temple) which looked exactly like every other Wat or Pagoda I have seen in Asia. I also obtained my Cambodian visa here. From here I got a sleeper bus down to 4000 islands, the sleeper bus was double beds and you had to sleep next to strangers, I was at the back with 4 other strangers on the one big bed, lucky for me 2 people decided they could not do that so left leaving 3 people to 5 beds, I thought this would have been ok but the person next to me had to sleep like a star and take up all room and he even tried spralling over onto my part until I pretended to stir and áccidently' elbow him. I could also tell the people who had never been on sleeping buses as they were eating and drinking lots, school boy error as they were complaining that they could not go toilet.

I went to Don Khong the main island and I cylced round it on one of those push bikes with no gears, I should have taken the oppertunity to get a semi auto bike and learned to ride that as the roads were empty. There was nothing to do here so I left the next morning on a boat and headed to Don Det where there were more backpackers, I done a kayaking trip to see the dozen Irrawaddy dolphins left in the river, it took 4 hours and we stopped off in Cambodia (Illegal) for lunch. Lucky for us we saw the dolphins as I would not been pleased to have kayaked that far (20km) for nothing. After making some more friends (have litteraly met hundreds of people) we got the bus to Pnom Penh in Cambodia, the first stop however was a rest station where kids had bags of tarrantuals where they would put them on you if you wanted or didnt want them, heart attack does not even come close.

Pnom Penh or Sean Penn as we called it due to convincing some girls because he was concieved there thats how its pronnounced was a bustling dirty city that remdinded me in parts of Bagdad, this was the only place in Asia where I have felt weary. I visited the killing fields where you get to see where the khamer rouge killed over 8000 people in the mass graves, bones and clothing still sticking out the floor where the mass graves havent been dug up. Themagic tree where they beat cambodians heads against to save the bullets. There is a monument there of skulls which goes sky high. I also visited S21 detention centre where a former school was turned into a torture centre where cambodians were tortured and killed so this was not a cheery day. I did plan to shoot an AK-47 but due to illness this didnt happen.

The plans I made have not gone to plan I never intended to go to Laos or Cambodia but here I am, now im thinking about on the way home, I am thinking South Americas would be good before England but who knows, all I know is that I will never have a normal beach holiday again as travelling is so addictive. Russia, China, Mongolia who knows where.

Everyone have a great New Years

Apocalypse now and then

Headed on a excursion to Halong Bay which included a nights stay on a boat and a night in a hotel on Cat ba island. Well tourist is not the word, the whole place was swammped with boats and tourists doing the same thing however I had a plan as I knew that they would charge top dollar for alcohol so we nipped to the shop and bought some vodka and decantered them into water bottles. I was right! They had the cheek to charge over $2 for a small 300mm can of Tiger beer comapre this to the 40cents in certain places and you can see why we were all becoming smugglers! Well that night inclueded many a rendition on karaoke even thought the machine was 'retarted' as one peson described it and we also had to get the deck hand to choose the song even though we gave him this anallergy - Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day, give a man the means to catch his fish and he can feed his family for a life time. Give us the means to choose our song and we can sing for a lifetime! Needless to say the next day we had to be up at 0730 to go for a trek and I had 8 loo visits before 0900 so the trek was a make 0r break for my hangover!!! The trek took 2 hours and was well worth it. We went to some caves on one of the 1600 islands in Halong bay and walked around the caves to which we learnt that Halong bay means decending dragon and our guide also pointed out some features of the caves that looked like buddahs or lions, none of them looked like what he said apart from one that was lit up red and orange that could of been E.T's finger or male genitalia. I found the caves boring as it was too easy to walk around and there was not much adventure. We also had some time to kayak which we kayaked to a floating village, this was the same place that Top Gear went on that classic episode, it was amazing to see the people living on this island, they make there money by loading up their boats with all manner of things that the tourist would want, like Oreo cookies, booze and more booze, they row up to the larger boats on the sneak and sell tourists contraband. Halong bay was nice but it was far to touristy for my liking as we had to be regimented with our movements e.g. get up 0730, breakfast 0800 and so on....with this in mind we ditched the trip to monkey island (monkeys after India have lost there effect on me) and opted to explore Cat Ba Island where we ended up on the beach. We headed back to Hanoi to where we lost Peter who went into Laos but after being over priced on the Halong bay deal we decided to get to Sa Pa by ourselfs. We got the overnight train to Lai Cai which is about 1mile from China and got a transfer up the mountain to Sa Pa, immediatly it was bloody cold and wet and visability was about 12ft so we could not see the beauty of the place. We hired a kid to take us on a trek to her village, this trek was 25k in total and took the best part of 4 hours and cost me my trainers. We could not see much and I would have been really annoyed if we spent the $140 that most places were charging for the trips lucky our whole trip cost about $50.

From there we had to get a bus to Dien Bien Phu which is a boarder town and is really rubbish, we were there for only one night so we could get the bus into Laos (0500). One thing with these local buses is you cant prepare for the stuff that happens. I had one woman dry humping my leg for most of the journey and my friend had someone leaning over them to be sick out the window. Come to mention it I think that Asians must suffer really badly from motion sickness as thats all they seemed to do on buses. Some buses we had tourists wearing crash helmets as the boxes from above were falling on them frequently ha ha ha ha.

Now im glad that I have left Vietnam as I have picked up more viruses than an African hooker, it has now come to light the 1200 pictures I have I can not upload or download as the memory card is corrupted and picked up a virus. I can view them on the camera so I am hoping that all is not lost and I can some how restore the photos using some software. To say im livid is an understatement.

So the trip into Laos was a usual local bus trip, uncomfy, noisy and smelly but it is well worth it as we got off at a small village we were approched by 2 Australians and a French guy who had been there a few days waiting for some tourists who wanted to charter a boat down the river instead of getting a bus....this was music to our ears and we agreed so we chartered the sea vessel down to a sleepy picturesq village of Nong Khiaw which I could of stayed at for a week if only for the fact there is no bank or ATM there so I ran out of money very quickly. We stayed in bamboo huts overlooking the river surrounded by palm trees and friendly locals. Oh the worst thing about Nong Khiaw was getting a haircut and shave there, normally a wet shave with a cutthroat is a nice relaxing and generally quick affair, not in Laos where it was done with a single blade razor which went blunt after halfway and a drizzling of cold soapy water. Needless to say it was painful and even after saying dont be shy with that water she opted to shave some parts dry. I did have an audience as many of the locals came to see this wonderous performance. Next was the haircut and I knew something was up when she put lots of clips in my hair as this has never been done before.....how silly of me to think she would use scissors to cut my hair, it was a razor that looked more like an inmate at Belmarsh had constructed using a toothbrush and a blunt razor, again this hurt as the razor got blunter and blunter. Never before would I have had to think to ask a barbers if they have scissors but now in Asia that is my first question.

With money running out we got the bus to Luang Prabang and immediatly drew some kip out and headed to the night market. I felt like I was in some sort of twilight zone walking through the market no one hasseled us to buy at very cheap price or man handle us into their store the Laos people are the most laid back people in Asia which after India and Vietnam is very refreshing although trying to exchange something for a larger size was just pointless as she wanted 30,000 kip to exchange it I tried to tell her that was 10,000 more than I originally paid and she was reluctant to give me my original too small tee back so I snatched it off her and she said too small why want.....I replied so I could bin it just so you cant re-sell it. Just booked our bus to Vang Vien to take part in the legendary tubing! I have my beerlao vest although to wear it anywhere in SE Asia would be uncool like wearing a band tshirt to a gig but when I get to Australia (3rd Feb) in Melbourne it will be super cool!!! That is right I have booked my flight to Oz and I cant wait for sun sea and surf or is that spiders sharks and snakes either way im looking forward to it but I have a feeling that I will have to rush certain countries as I have only got Cambodia and Thailand left in Asia. I still dont know where I will be for Xmas and New Years so may not be contactable if I am in South Laos.

*ALL PHOTOS ARE NOT MINE DUE TO AFORE MENTIONED PROBLEM BUT ARE FROM FRIENDS ON SAME TRIP* Same memories seen through different eyes!

The pictures are from Hoi An, Halong bay, Sapa, and Hanoi, hopfully now I have new memory card it will not get a virus or corrupted but I dont hold my breath!

Dog fritters

So where did I leave you? Last you heard I was in Dalat which was a swiss looking resort, well I headed North again to Na Trang on a sleeper bus. Na Trang was meant to be a happening town full of bars beach and sand, well im sure it would be in the correct season but as the country is so large the seasons differ from north to south. In Na Trang there were also no Vietnamease places to eat so had to eat western food. Didnt really do much in Na Trang, I did have a foot and leg massage which I thought I would be safe from having my head or face touched how silly of me not to realise they would cover my face and head in cucumber slithers. Onward then to Mui Ne


The sleeper bus has beds in and I was unlucky to have the back seats, these are not for the cool people, 5 people share one big bed at the back and the sleeper buses are made for Asians who are generally vertically challenged so it was one of the most awful places to sleep, to top that off it was meant to be a 12 hour trip to Mui Ne but there was a landslide on one of the mountain road so we were stuck for 12 hours in the same position. Left at 21:00 the night before and was due to get there at 0600 the next day, didnt get there untill 21:00 the next night, this has to be one of the worst journeys I have ever had. Mui Ne was worth the bother as it is a very pretty place with different coloured latterns linning the river and all the shops. Most of the shops here are tailors where you can get anything made with any fabric (this is where Top Gear went on their trip), unfortunatly due to the time I am travelling and the weight gain/loss it was not practical for me to get one made. Last time I was travelling with a broke ass Canadian but due to her wanting to go treking I left with out her to Mui Ne but things happen for a reason and I have met another nice girl who is British and I have also been sharing with Peter who is the funniest person I have met. In Mui Ne I stayed in my first dorm which is where I met the afore mentioned people, the dorm is ok but I find it hard to relax when having a massive shit as the noises are embarressing but hey I dont care now. We had a very big night in Mui Ne where we started drinking at 1300 and didnt get in till very early in the morning. Peter and Anna didnt reallyu want to get the bus with me as I seemed to be bad luck they said but we got the 4 hour bus to Hue which is not as nice really nothing much there except a city and bars etc etc so we only stayed one night and got the 14 hour bus to Ha Noi which does not have the same charm as Saigon or the same night life but along the way we heard of a great hostel called the Drift which is where the nightlife is. In Ha Noi I have actually seen a dog on the grill, it was cut in 4 and you could see that it was a dog, I tried to get a picture but the market lady screamed at me so I didnt bother. The Vietmanease are quite strange, they cant speak English and they laugh a lot when you try and speak to them which is very annoying, they also are relentlesss in trying to get you on Motorbikes and just shout YOU or grab your shoulder and when you say know they follow you down the street. This has been testing my patience to the extreme so now I might just tell them I cant speak English not a word which is funny or tell them to leave me the fuck alone.

The food as we got North has become much more varied and harder to find, I just ate Bru cha or something which cost 50p and was some meat and veg. These street sellers only sell one type of food so when I ask for a menu they laugh but I have figured that out now so I should be good for the rest of my trip. Beer in some of the places we have been has been as low as 15p per pint or as high as 1 pound. In Mui Ne they actually gave us free drinks which were bloody horrible but still they were free.

The roads in Ha Noi are manic and crossing them is an art that I am getting really good at, you just walk and they go round you but it does make your ass quiver when they are all coming towards you.

There probably is a lot more stuff I could say but I generally forget it and I cant put pictures on as most of the comps here have viruses and I lost my Goa pictures from this so dont want to take the chance until I get out of Vietnam.

I am heading Monday for Ha Lon Bay which is where the Top Gear Guys went to and from there Sa Pa which I think will be freezing.

The scenerey in vietnam has been breathtaking and I would reccomend to anyone this country.
A good thing about Asia is that there is nothing to do with Xmas here, no decorations, no cards, no shit music, no paxo adverts no Bernard Mathews which is refreshing however I am stressing where to stay for Xmas as I should have booked months ago but I refuse to do this as I dont know where I will be so I may have to sleep on a beach or park ha ha ha

From flashpacker to backpacker

Flashpacker = older traveller with money who does not eat at the cheapest places or stays at the cheapest shit holes.

First stop in Vietnam is Ho Chi Minh city as it is now known but to all the people who live there it is still Saigon. Arrivign at the airport and gettting a cab to District 1 was my first taste of the locals as a viet girl asked to share a cab and trying to save money and be more like a backpacker I said yes however it was a very weird ride as I was convienced that she was going to steal my wallet as I couldnt remember her on the flight and she got extremley close and touchy in the cab. At this point im already thinking Bourne style how im going to react but alass I was wrong all the vietmanease women are like this over good looking westerners. Saigon was a great place, there was not too much to do but the night life there was amazing, I had some major hangovers there for the 3 nights I stayed there. The one thing I did do there was visit the war museum and it was quite disturbing, they had pictures of people who had been burned with napalm and people who had been infected with agent orange. I went to a vietnamease massage parlour and the girl was only 5ft but she was strong as an ox, some points I thought she was going to break my back but overall it was a lot nicer than the Indian massage where he massaged my naked ass. The only thing that ruined the massage was the guy next to me kept farting but not like naturally letting them come out but pushing them out with great power.

Another tough thing in Saigon that goes against all your natural insticnt is crossing the road, there are so many motorbikes it is fucking insane! The trick is to walk out slowly and dont stop, they will move around you but this leap of faith is so hard to master.

After India I decided I didnt want to stay in one place too long so I grabbed the bus to Mui Ne which is like a beach place which is big with wind surfers and kite surfers, this is where I met Georgia who is the Canadian from Qubec that I am currently travelling with and she is a pure backpacker trying to get everything dirt dirt cheap. Whilst in Mui Ne I also travelled with a new yorker Matt who was cool and we decided to hire some scooters and travel to the sand dunes. The red sand dunes were immense and we hired sheets of plastic so we could slide/surf down there. The roads in Mui ne were a lot better and very easy to drive but we did see one accident where 3 scooters had collided and people did look really hurt. Another place I drove us to was the ferry stream which is a pretty stream about 500 meters long you walk down to find a waterfall at the end. We stayed in Mui Ne for 2 nights before we headed off to Da Lat which is inland and 1500-2000 meters above sea level so you can imagine the shock I got when it was bloody cold, I didnt really like Da lat it reminds me of a swiss ski resort with only a few things to do, we hired some guys 'Easy Rider' company but were more 'Sleazy rider' to take us to all the sights, we saw silk factory and saw how they take the silk worm and get the silk, largest waterfall in Vietnam and all the jaw dropping scenery along the way. Only 2 nights spent here and we have a bus booked for Na Trang which is party place again. Forgot to tell you about the bus we got from Mui Ne to Dal Lat, this bus is meant to take 4 hours but ended up taking 7, this was because we had 3 flat tires and they broke the wrench on the last one so we had to wait and find someone with a spare ha ha ha, this was the worse bus ride and we commented that its not MPG for the trip but wheels per mile. The road was bumpy and I was sitting at the back where they squeezed an extra person in and it was the most uncomfortable I have ever been. I beliveve that travelling is best in retrospect, when I was on the bus I was cursing but when I get home I will wish I was on that nightmare bus ride. Im heading to Ha long bay which some of you might remember from Top Gear where they sailed to the floating Bar, this or Sa Pa will be my final place in Vietnam.

The good thing about sharing a hostel with a fellow traveller is the cost, you half it and it saves a lot of cash but the bad thing is you cant be yourself, I keep having to remember to stiffle wind and not let it come out in all its glory.

The food here in Vietnam has been the best that I have ever tasted, no dog or cat yet (I think) but I have eaten hot pot where you put your raw meat into oil and cook it with veg, noodle soup (Pha) is the national dish and it is the tastest food ever!

Please bare in mind I only throw random pictures on the blog, I actually have taken over 1000 pictures in 3 countries and am needing to get a new memory card!

Will update you at the end of my vietnam trip before I cross the border into Laos.

Love you long time

Before I tell you about the best meal I had ever eaten I have to tell you about the stupid fucking Indians on my flight to KL. I had to verbally abuse an Indian who refused to turn his mobile phone off during the flight, he was told twice by the gay attendent but I gave some grace as the plane was positioning its self on the run way but as the plane was full thrust and taking off he received a call and answered.....black out I lost my rag and threw a barrarge of fucks and cunts at him then batted his phone to the ground telling him im not going to die because you want to get on who wants to be a millionaire, his friend sitting next to me was laughing and from that point it was a war over who had the arm rest, he had his elbows litterally halfway onto my side so when ever he dozed off I made a point of moving his arm and waking him up. Once the plane landed like the second it had all the Indians got up trying to get their baggage, they truley are a stupid race.

Well the best meal I have had on this trip was in Malay and it was....................A quarter pounder meal. I know what your thinking sell out but I hadnt eaten for nearly 40 hours as the food in Trichy was at best rat food and I had no currency for the plane meal so seeing those golden arches as I reached the airport was too much, I would have got something exotic in there if they had it like a McWong burger or a McWang deluxe but they just had the normal stuff.

Women sometimes judge men on their shoes etc and I think I judge countries by their airports which is why I knew KL was going to be amazing as the airport was top notch even better than Gatwick and Heathrow. Kl was expensive compared to India and I spent quite a bit their but the place is really great to travel. They have a monorail system and an amazing easy bus route so getting round was so easy. The only drag is the weather, it is 30 degrees but that is not the problem as I am used to the heat, it was the humidity that was over bearing, it was like breathing in water, most places were A/C well except for my room but soon as you step outside bang your drenched in sweat again.

I done all the tourist things, petronas towers, KL tower, aqua, zoo, but I just wished I had more time to have gone to the rain forest their and walked the canopy. The city has many little touches that make it a cut above the rest, liket the toilets that squirt your ass and the traffic lights that give times of how long they will be on red/green.

Nightlife in Kl was great too but still expensive although that was a good thing as their were a lot of trannys about, it is like a landmine field!

Good news despite some rumours that I have put weight on im glad to announce that I have in fact lost 2 stone!! On a bad note my tan is fading fast as there is no sun out yet.

I am now in Ho Chi Min city (Saigon) and I will do another blog once I have more stuff to write but it is just crazy here.

Love you long time (I actually heard it and it made me laugh)

Last blog from India and I intended for it to be a long one but seen as im using a keyboard that is as useful as Ann Franks drum kit you will have to bear with me and the spelling!

Finally left Palolem and headed via a day train (8 hours) to Hospet where I met with a dutch guy and decided to share a room to save cost! We travelled to Hampi which is a religious site where no meat or booze can be consumed, why any one wouldnt eat meat is beyond me. First morning I got up at 0430 so I could climbe Metunga hill to see the sun rise in the morning, the hill is 500 meters above sea level and now I reliased that flip flops were not the best footware for this hike. There were some parts that a slip would be death so I decided to lose the sandles and venture bare foot. Once we hit the top the views were breath taking and seeing the sun rise was amazing, then all of a sudden monkeys appeared and we started feeding them nuts from our hands, once this wore off I decided if I closed my hand what would then do so quite gently the monkey opened my fingers and then took the nuts then when they were gone quickly opened my hand and the monkey looked shocked then angry ha ha ha. Jim done the same to the bigger monkey and the monkey pushed him with both arms. Down the mountine was via another route which was more easy and relaxing.

I headed to the main temple armed with some bannanas to feed Lasmi the temple elephant but she was being washed in the river but I was already spotted as 3 monkeys mugged me of my bannanas. I was blessed by the heffa lump and watched her being washed. The next day we hired mopeds and went around Hampi to look at all the temples but when you have seen one youve seen them all. We also drove into Hospet for lunch and driving around a city is complete madness, althugh the speed never gets up over 20mph its still daunting weaving in and out hooting your horn then people come down the wrong way. Lunch for 7 of us cost 2.50.

I could have done with one more day in Hampi to see some more but alas I had an 18 hour local train ride to bangalore, no tourists just locals and I had a group of 14 kids all watching me read.

Bangalore and Trichy (where i am now) are both smelly shitty cities with no tourists so im bored and annoyed.

To sum up India I think there is a love hate thing, I love Goa and Hampi but hate the cities where people want money for anything, like a transvestite on the train wanted money for nothing "fuck off" and in Bangalore getting my 8 hour train to trichy somone showed me the platform (which I would have found very easily) and he went off and said he paid 100 rupes to the driver for my bed ha ha ha ha, I told him to get stuffed as well as I had a ticket which he saw, his price then lowered to 50 rs but I lectured him on how if he was in London I would have helped him for free. I just got the head wobble all Indians do.

Im looking forward to Maylasia teh city and the rain forest!

Close encounters of the insane kind

So in my last blogs I have been raving on about all the great people I am meeting, people from Chille to South Korea. This blog is going to shed light on the people who are one sandwich short of a picnic.

You have your run of the mill nutters here, they generally have been living here for many seasons and are normally very friendly sometimes borderline over friendly. Jeff is probably the unofficial Palolem welcoming commitee and he is by far the nicest. There is also the Indian Ozzy Osbourne who I think has had his brain turned to mush from all the weed and mushrooms he has been taking. I remember having a conversation with him where I didnt understand a word he said and had to limit my responses to yes, no or maybe depending on what it looked like he was saying. Today however he told me that I was stupid for not having a lighter on me as fire is the start of life then he told me my face was shit ha ha ha I laughed as he was shouting other stuff in the distance.

Now there are the complete weirdos. My first encouter with James came before the night of the headphone party whilst having a beer waiting for friends, he proceeded to tell me about how he has lots of money tied up in gold Kruger Rands (South African gold coins) to be exact, I said that was a good idea, I asked when he intended to sell. "Never! I may exchange them though for a gun and a bullet proof vest" my first responce was WHY?? He then told me he is expecting anarchy and for the world to be like Mad Max, I chuckled to myself thinking of putting him in the Thunderdome with Tina Turner ha ha ha. Last night I had another conversation with Norman Bates, he enlightedned me that the Holocaust that killed around 6 million Jews never happened. "So where did they go" I asked, "To Palastine" I argued about this and tried to counger up some facts like Auschwitz and Dachau the famous concentration camps but according to him they were built after. He then went on to say that the IRA bombings are from Jews, so was Pearl Harbour, 9/11 and that Jesus hated the Jews, this one I maybe could side with him as they did crucify him on a cross. I have a feeling if this guy carries on taking these Hitler youth views he wont last long, the reason being that 50% of the tourists here are people from Isreal and most of them have come out of their national service and have a 'devil may care' attitude and if they hear him saying all this about the Jews then he wont last long. He also has that face you just want to slap!

That night of meeting the patients didnt end there, I met Clive and I had previously seen him on the beach, well you couldnt miss him as he was the one carrying the bucket over his head with a shade umbrella into the sea for 10 minutes then staggered out of the surf still bucket on head then took 10 mins to try and stand in the bucket and hold the umbrella up high, when he achieved this I felt like giving him a round of applause and expected something to happen like it does in Indiana Jones, maybe he was trying to find the Idol!? The Indians sometimes do circus tricks on the beach and most people just ignore them, Clive however had the whole section of the beach glued to his every move, if he went round with a collection I would have gladly gave him 10 rupes. Well the person I was with wanted to know where he was from so when I saw him come into the pub just after playing imaginary golf down the street I asked him. His name is Clive and him comes from the moon. I spat out the drink in my mouth and tried not to laugh, I made small talk asking him whats it like there? Well its got a lot of craters but its ok as he lives there with his pet cockroach Oscar! I wanted to ask some other questions about economy on the moon has it been affected by the credit crunch or what the weather is like there. I also wanted to burst out singing Ground control to major Tom but I was already on the verge of collapsing in fits of laughter. When my friend posts the picture of Clive I will add it to the next blog as he does look very weird. He kind of looks like what you will see in the paper when a serial killer has been caught, he has that look!

This is my last post from Palolem as I am leaving on Tuesday morning for Hampi.

Peace out